Gym narrows doors to keep out fat people
A gym has banned overweight customers and has vowed to keep them out ‘by any means necessary’. Bosses at XS Leisure installed special narrow entrances to prevent fat visitors from accessing their fitness…
Crime saves local man from a life of boxing
Petty thief Jackson “The Jemmy Boy” Jones admitted today that his devotion to small time crime saved him from a life of beating men senseless for money. Speaking to reporters after finishing a…
Sven launches sexy Eriksson Index
Former England manager Sven Goran Eriksson has trumped Fabio Capello by launching a new website rating Europe’s hottest strikers. But the Ivory Coast World Cup coach is not ranking footballers – he’s casting…
iPad superceded by juicy iApple
The UK launch of the iPad looks set to be overshadowed by leaked news of Apple’s ‘magical and supernatural’ new gizmo – the iApple. The iApple follows in the great tradition of Apple…
Former Liverpool owner David Moores “hugely regrets” selling his old Ford Capri
Former Liverpool Football Club owner David Moores admits he “hugely regrets” selling his 1986 Ford Capri to a bloke in a pub and today called on him to sell up. Moores asserted that…
Student attacked for not wearing pirate or 118 man outfit
A student was beaten ‘like a rotting goldfish being hammered against a wall’ for wearing normal clothes on a city centre night out. Johan Gibside, 20, was kicked and punched by a horde…
Queen’s Speech reveals surprise ‘Axe’ diet for Duchess of York
Her Majesty the Queen appeared to offer an olive branch to the Duchess of York today by announcing a crash diet programme for her “beloved Fergie” in her annual speech. In a break…
Bus driver faces sack for misery breach
An award-winning bus driver could lose his job for committing a rare act of kindness. Local man Derek Jacubby, 47, stunned onlookers on his city-centre route by failing to roll his eyes and…
Destruction of world by Frankenstein creation still just a faint hope
Doom merchants have given the latest scientific discovery to threaten to wipe the human race from the face of the planet a cautious welcome. Despite claims the creation of the world’s first synthetic…
Cameron and Clegg in Hague-sharing deal
Prime Minister David Cameron and deputy Nick Clegg will share William Hague under the terms of the coalition agreement, it has emerged. The day after Britain’s leaders outlined their policy programme for the…
