“Look at me, I’m a fat bastard,” says proud local man
Local man Dave Deans is celebrating today after becoming the fattest man on his estate. The 36-year-old taxi driver cracked open a bottle of coke and gorged on a family bucket of KFC…
Buses, pints and football pitches axed by Euro meddlers
Euro meddlers in Brussels are to ban the double decker bus, the football pitch, and the pint of beer as traditional forms of measurement in the UK, writes Nigel Eels. From now on…
England players call for inquest into running of fans
England’s devastated squad of multi-millionaire stars are demanding answers after their four-week stay in South Africa was cut short by fans. The players – who crashed out of the World Cup against Germany…
Media slammed for “unforgivable delay in drought scare stories”
News media bosses have apologised to the British public for the “unforgivable” delay in broadcasting the drought panic story, writes Nigel Eels. Dire warnings of impending hosepipe bans, empty reservoirs, and people queuing…
Oasis and Dizzee Rascal blown off number one spot by vuvuzela ‘genius’
Oasis and Dizzee Rascal were tonight sensationally knocked off the top of UK top 40 album and singles charts by a little known World Cup vuvuzela player. Simon Cowell and Radiohead’s Thom Yorke have backed the new vuvuzela star.
Boobs a hit at Cameron’s G8 market stall
David Cameron is delivering on his pledge not to treat the G8 summit as “a grand talking shop” by manning his own Eastend-style market stall. And the Prime Minister’s scheme has already led…
“I was the fifth Abba – and I want my money,” claims local man
Local man Bryan Lockhart has stunned the music world by claiming he is the fifth Abba – and as a result is owed more than £750m in lost earnings by the Swedish supergroup,…
‘God particle’ sounds like Bucks Fizz
Scientists attempting to locate the Higgs-Boson particle using sound say it sounds like early 80s pop outfit Bucks Fizz, writes Hard Jackson. “We should have guessed it really,” said Professor Joseph Rubeish at…
Maradona threatened to quit Argentina after picking ass
Argentina boss Diego Maradona tried to select a 13-year-old donkey for his World Cup squad, the News Grind can exclusively reveal. But the drug cheat’s attempt to name 26-goal Burrito ahead of Carlos…
Vince Cable self-harming all way through Budget
Business Secretary Vince Cable was said to be self-harming during the delivery of George Osborne’s first budget for the coalition government., writes Hard Jackson. Cable, who made a name for himself attacking socially…
