Marriage guidance councillor honoured for saving community from sex-starved divorcees
Relate marriage guidance councillor Edwin Cruickshanks was last night hailed a hero by community leaders after saving thousands of singletons from the unwanted sexual advances of desperate divorcees. By rescuing 236 marriages during…
Cricket match-fixing could explain a lot
England cricket fans are desperately hoping that the pathetic results of their national team during the 1980s and 90s may have been down to match fixing. The regular whitewashes by the West Indies…
England footballer’s super injunction after claims he was faithful
An England footballer has taken legal action to prevent The News Grind from revealing he had been faithful throughout his married life. He has taken out a super-injunction which blocks the reporting of…
‘If the economy is growing, why the f*ck am I skint?’ asks local man
News that the British economy has grown 1.2 per cent in the last quarter has been met by stony-faced silence by normal people with a life. But the apparent bombshell has left some…
Extremist Lib Dems planned rocket attack on Cameron’s helicopter
Militant supporters of Nick Clegg have been linked with a foiled terrorist attack on prime minister David Cameron. Military officials have ordered a review of security arrangements after Mr Cameron’s recent trip to…
Welsh Minister names baby Iwan Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Williams
Following in the footsteps of David and Samantha Cameron, Welsh Minister Dafydd Coal Williams has announced that his newborn child will be named Iwan Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Williams, writes Hard Jackson. The child, weighing in…
Government turns screws on pet owners with new dog pee and saliva bylaw
Animal lovers will be expected to mop up dog pee and mutt drool as the Government continues to put the squeeze on pet owners. As well as poop scooping canine faeces, from Thursday,…
Callous bitch dumps grass cuttings in a wheelie bin
Everyone in the world was united in disgust last night as a woman shamelessly dumped some grass cuttings in a wheelie bin, writes Harry Hull. The senseless act followed the woman’s decision to…
NICE to be renamed ‘Not NICE’
Very ill people are taking legal action against the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) in a bid to force it to change its name. Patients and families say that every…
Vacuous Big Brother winners to be fired through Hadron Collider
The former winning contestants battling it out in the Ultimate Big Brother house will be brought to the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, accelerated to a velocity just shy of the speed of…
