X Factor McElderry to stop thanking fans for putting him where he is today
X Factor winner Joe McElderry announced today that he is to stop thanking fans for his success and is moving on. The singer has spent the last 12 weeks telling fans “I can’t…
Apple chief Steve Jobs overjoyed with crap iPhone application
Apple today unveiled a new iPhone application that lets the world know when you’re having a shit, writes Crispin Fisher. The innovative iPoo iPhone app sends texts to all your contacts and automatic…
IRA brings in big guns to protect copyright
Members of the IRA are planning to sue Republican paramilitary groups for copyright infringement, writes Crispin Fisher. The disbanded group’s still operational army command claim they have spent over 40 years building up…
Milibands swap bodies in bizarre fairground genie wish fulfillment mix-up
David and Ed Miliband have swapped bodies a matter of hours after the younger Miliband defeated his brother to become the new leader of the Labour party, writes Hard Jackson. Following the news…
New shame rocks football
The world of football was rocked by ANOTHER scandal today when ANOTHER player was caught playing away, writes Johnny UPPERCASE. Cassy Gabs Junior winger Alfie Badger is said to have two-timed Amy from…
Ryder Cup stars practise on crazy golf course
Ryder cup captain Colin Montgomerie has left locals furious after buying a top Welsh golf course so his team can practise in peace. The Mrs Doubtfire lookalike has purchased the 12-hole crazy golf…
Trapped Chilean miners to demand squatters’ rights
It has emerged that the 33 Chilean miners trapped underground may try to claim squatters’ rights, writes Crispin Fisher. A legal expert has advised the men that under statute law people who enter…
Labour ‘annoyed’ as Miliband exposed as a bioengineered humanoid
The Labour leadership race was last night in turmoil after bookies’ favourite David Miliband was exposed as a Replicant, writes Nigel Eels. Mr Miliband had been giving a speech to party activists in…
Police release ‘orange nose’ e-fit
Police have issued this striking image of a man they believe abducted a boy from under the nose of his parents. Nicknamed ‘The Snowman’, the suspect is thought to have crept into an…
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow to go all the way
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow are set to cement their new-found friendship by ‘BUMMING’ live on the internet, writes Johnny UPPERCASE. The Take That pair famously fell out when Williams left the band…
