Pope denies he is superhero Pope-Man
The Vatican has been quick to deny rumours that The Pope is directly linked with vigilante activities, after a string of vicious attacks following the Papal visit to Glasgow, writes Robert Bathe. A…
Gladiators-style travelator for 31st Great North Run
BBC bosses have insisted that a gruelling uphill treadmill is to be placed on the finish line of the next Great North Run. Beeb chiefs struggling to justify the licence fee say they…
X Factor sexpot Chloe Mafia exposed
X Factor bosses have been left reeling after sexpot singer Chloe Mafia was exposed as being SHIT, writes Johnny UPPERCASE. Millions saw the 20-year-old brunette make it through to boot camp at the…
‘Of course dolphins are thick,’ says boffin
Self-taught scientist Norman Steckles today released the results of his long-awaited study into the intelligence of bottle-nosed dolphins, writes Norbert Dick. The self-proclaimed professor of common sense and part-time landscape gardener, produced his…
Government declares war on Derek
The National Births Register is taking legal steps to remove the name Derek from UK circulation, it was revealed last night. As of Tuesday next week it will be illegal to christen a…
Nazi Pope compares atheists to Nazis
The Pope, who used to be a Nazi, has compared Atheists to Nazis in a speech given at the start of his short stay in the UK, writes Nick Wells. The Pontiff praised…
BBC planned bionic Bruce Forsyth – report
BBC bosses have been in talks to fit veteran Strictly Come Dancing presenter Bruce Forsyth with bionic legs, writes Crispin Fisher. Documents uncovered by the TaxPayers Alliance pressure group show that senior BBC…
Pop porker Michelle McManus devours world’s biggest chocolate bar
The world’s largest chocolate bar has been EATEN by roly poly pop star Michelle McManus, writes Johnny UPPERCASE. The plain bar weighed in at a staggering 9,702lbs when it was unveiled by chocolate…
Mr Big ‘disappears’ as George Michael takes his first prison shower
Concern is mounting for the whereabouts of Pentonville convict Mr Big who has not been seen since George Michael took his first prison shower last night. The notorious sex offender famous for his…
Vendors don’t like the Pope – he doesn’t smoke dope
Hundreds of cheap-tat merchants are set to lose out after the Pope admitted today “I DON’T smoke dope,” writes Johnny UPPERCASE. Souvenir-selling scallies have spent their dole money on thousands of tacky T-shirts…
