Local man pretends to like friends’ baby names
Local man Mark Royston says he is struggling to maintain the pretence that he likes the names his friends keep giving to their new offspring, writes Hard Jackson. Royston, 33, says he has…
Britain to live on cheese platter leftovers and After Eight mints until mid-February
Britain has enough leftover cheese and post-dinner mints to sustain every man, woman and child until February 16. The nation spent its last remaining cash to fund a festive blow-out. Britons will now…
Local man working from coffee shop, hating every second of it
Local man Greg MacDonald described his experience of working from local coffee shop Hoopla! today as ‘utterly miserable’, writes Hard Jackson. Quantity surveyor MacDonald frequently works in a small spare bedroom at home,…
Breaking: Local woman staying in for Bonfire Night
Local woman Kacey MacIntyre has revealed her plans to spend Bonfire Night at home with her new boyfriend Kevin, writes Hard Jackson. The news will come as little surprise to Facebook and Twitter…
Local man honoured for pointing out vague inaccuracy in online article
A local man has received the highest honour in the land for flagging up a moot inaccuracy in an online report, writes Hard Jackson. Ian Viscount, 44, will be made a Knight…
Edible underwear saved stripper trapped in rubble for eight days
A male stripper buried alive when a building collapsed survived his ordeal by consuming his briefs. David Statham, 32, gnawed through most of his bright yellow underwear after the roof of a Victorian…
Atlantis space shuttle hired for school prom
It may have been the coolest prom entrance ever seen, but last night’s landing of the space shuttle Atlantis at a local high school landed NASA chiefs in hot water. Pupil Aleisha Burke,…
Sat nav helps local man find long-lost brother
Local man Fred Frost had the shock of his life when he typed the name of his long-lost brother into his sat nav and the device gave him exact directions to where his…
Excited local boy vowing not to squirt dad with garden hose, squirts dad
Despite repeated promises that he would not douse his dad in water from a garden hose while helping clean the family car, primary school pupil Nathan Wilcox did just that. Eye-witnesses reported that…
Dwarf claims top shelf porn mags infringe human rights
A dwarf is suing his local newsagent for a breach of human rights because he can’t reach pornographic magazines placed on the top shelf, writes Crispin Fisher. Part-time actor Fred Jarvis, 38, of…
