Miliband’s scrotal surgery will correct lean to the left
Labour leader Ed Miliband will have a minor operation on his scrotum to make him more electable following successful surgery on his nose. Spin doctors claim Miliband’s operation is a vasectomy requested by…
Met Chief Sir Paul bathed in blood with NoTW reporters, absolutely no-one surprised to learn
Britain’s top policeman Sir Paul Stephenson danced naked with drug-fuelled News International executives and reporters before bathing in the blood of sacrificed virgins, just as everyone expected. News that Sir Paul also participated…
Burglar found dead in Ken Clarke’s home had been beaten to death with poker, knifed
Police believe a suspected burglar found dead at the home of Justice Secretary Ken Clarke today may have been lying there for more than two days. The body was reported to police just…
Fat convicts set free to cut prison overcrowding
Justice Minister Ken Clarke sparked fresh controversy last night by insisting obese convicts are released early to create more space in prisons, writes Crispin Fisher. The Justice Secretary has been forced into the…
Devil offers backing to Cameron and coalition
Satan has hit back at the Archbishop of Canterbury – who criticised the coalition government – by pledging his ‘unending support’ for David Cameron. Beezlebub – who served as UK Prime Minister between…
Cameron to appoint Minister for Bandwagons
Prime Minister David Cameron will breathe new life into his jaded government by appointing a Minister for Bandwagons, writes Crispin Fisher. In recent weeks senior Conservatives have criticised the PM for not having…
Report: People want Fluffy Add-Ons, not Big Society
David Cameron’s Big Society plans were dealt a devastating blow today after it was revealed that the majority of people in the UK prefer Fluffy Add-Ons. A Mori Poll reveals 98 per cent…
Gentleman rapists welcome Ken Clarke comments
Rapists who buy their victims dinner first have today welcomed comments by Justice Secretary Ken Clarke identifying ‘less serious’ forms of rape. Mr Clarke spoke up for date rapists, many of whom fork…
Cameron wants more good immigrants ‘like Nick Clegg’s wife’
David Cameron has rejected Vince Cable’s criticism of his immigration speech, clarifying that he was calling for a rise in the number of “fit migrants, like Clegg’s wife”. The Prime Minister had earlier…
Nick Clegg sorry for not beating shit out of Gillian Duffy
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is to apologise for failing to beat the crap out of an interfering Rochdale pensioner. In an extraordinary political gaffe, the Lib Dem leader chose to waste his…
