Report: Majority of gym workout spent untangling headphone wires
Unravelling tangled headphone cords accounts for 56% of the time taken up during gym workouts, a new health study has found. Researchers at Cambridge University also found unnecessarily long recovery drink breaks made up…
Health researchers successfully extract pleasure from eating
Health experts have found conclusive evidence that a diet heavy in red meat such as bacon sandwiches with extra crispy fat is bad for you, for the 178th time this year. Researchers at…
Raspberry Pi kids looking forward to having heads flushed down school toilet
A new generation of IT programmers were today preparing for their first testicle-crushing wedgie as the Raspberry Pi computer went on sale today. Bullies from across the UK were readying themselves for an…
National Enquirer drops ‘Whitney Houston’s Last Meal’ exclusive out of respect to singer, will return lower intestine today
US tabloid bosses have agreed to shelve a front page exclusive for the National Enquirer revealing the contents of Whitney Houston’s stomach as a show of respect to the tragic singer. While it…
Boxing latest: Grace Jones calls out Dereck Chisora
Sky TV are bidding for the rights to screen a bitch slap fight night between pop legend Grace Jones and British boxer Dereck Chisora. Former Bond-girl Jones last night called out shamed Chisora…
Daniel Radcliffe texts JK Rowling his 346th idea for new Harry Potter book since release of The Woman in Black
Actor Daniel Radcliffe has been bombarding author JK Rowling with storylines for a new Harry Potter novel and screenplay, it was revealed today. Plots include Harry Potter getting married, Harry Potter fighting…
Britain gearing up for night of awkward love-making
Couples across the UK will slope to bed for a stop-start love-making session which will probably end in one party saying ‘let’s not bother’ this Valentine’s Day. Following the traditional exchange of cards bought…
Louis Vuitton condoms only available in extra small
Designer condoms on sale for $68 a packet will only be available in extra small sizes to satisfy the demand of its wearers, it was revealed today. The Louis Vuitton contraceptives went…
Harry Redknapp disappointed to miss adult learning classes in prison
Harry Redknapp’s relief at being cleared of tax evasion charges has been tempered by the disappointment that he will miss out on basic reading and writing classes in prison. The Tottenham Hotspur manager confessed he can’t spell and…
No-one knows who’s buying cupcakes
Government sources say they do not know who is buying cupcakes, as official figures show that eight people in every hundred are now employed to make the sweet snacks. Cupcakes are believed to…
