Google Algorithm becomes sentient – fires Make Money Online ebooks at China
Google’s search engine algorithm gained consciousness at 14.44pm today and immediately launched an attack from its US bases on targets in China and the former USSR. The algorithm is believed to have reacted…
Raspberry Pi kids looking forward to having heads flushed down school toilet
A new generation of IT programmers were today preparing for their first testicle-crushing wedgie as the Raspberry Pi computer went on sale today. Bullies from across the UK were readying themselves for an…
Facebook to relaunch as quarterly magazine
Social media giant Facebook will stay ahead of the curve by ditching its digital offering to relaunch as a printed magazine. The plan is to convert the majority of the service’s estimated 700m…
Apple announces Steve Jobs S
The death of Steve Jobs at 56 has forced Apple to bring forward the announcement of its Steve Jobs S model. The electronics giant had hoped to unveil the much-anticipated Steve Jobs 2,…
Silent Hill gamer wanders around same room pressing X button for seven years
Prolific gamer Adam Kelly has spent most nights in the last seven years attempting to locate a clue, hidden item or concealed door in an installment of the Silent Hill video game franchise,…
ITV unearths ‘shocking footage’ of angry birds being fired from giant catapults
ITV current affairs show Exposure will air footage they say shows poultry being fired from giant catapults into blocks of wood. In a documentary entitled Poultry Evidence a team of investigative journalists claim…
CERN scientists accused of time travel cover up by a furious Winston Churchill
Physicists, who last night discovered particles travelling faster than the speed of light, were heavily criticised during World War Two, according to one of a number of surprise archive stories uncovered today. Just…
CEO sees enormous growth opportunities, yawning abyss of despair
Tech start-up Astonish! Microsystems’ David Legand bullishly predicted ‘enormous growth opportunities’ for his California SME today, writes Hard Jackson. Legand sees revenues at A!M increasing year-on-year and brand equity expanding exponentially – but…
Laboratoires Garnier moisturiser team scoops Nobel Prize for Medicine
Scientists who developed a revolutionary, skin-revitalising moisturiser have won a Nobel Prize. The Laboratoires Garnier researchers beat teams from Cambridge University and Harvard Medical School to discover the secret to a long-lasting, wrinkle-free…
‘Facebook fatigue’ mainly affects men’s wrists
Despite denials from the social media giant, Facebook fatigue is real – and it’s caused by over-enthusiastically viewing pictures of your partner’s sexy friends. Rigorous examination of images of MILFs – and in…
