Cameron deploys John Barrowman to calm riots

Photo by paulafunnell, Some Rights Reserved

David Cameron has confirmed that police forces across the UK will be able to deploy John Barrowman with 24 hour’s notice in their efforts to contain ongoing social unrest, writes Hard Jackson.

Barrowman is seen as a non-lethal weapon of last resort and may be used against violent crowds where rubber bullets and water cannons have failed.

It is believed that Barrowman’s show tunes and ballroom dancing skills could placate rioters across the country and Liverpool police have confirmed that Barrowman soothed crowds with blockbusters such as De-lovely, Hello Dolly and It’s the Hard Knock Life.

However human rights charity Amnesty is believed to have expressed anger that Barrowman was allowed to sing Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Deployment of the Cats hit, Amnesty claims, was ‘excessive’ and ‘heavy-handed’.

Barrowman also indulged in some ribald chat with the remainder of the crowd, who had earlier overturned several cars and looted several shops, making a number of sexual innuendos about night sticks, water cannons and looting that amused rioters.

Barrowman was last seen in Liverpool departing with his arms around two protestors who were expected to assist the singer and actor in his research into burglaries.