Jeremy Clarkson has been crushed to death by a falling pension, just hours after his controversial BBC One Show appearance, writes Hard Jackson.
The car-driving autocue-reader was leaving BBC Television Centre when an inflated BBC pension fell from an upper floor, striking Clarkson as he was moving in the direction of his Mercedes SLK.
The pension, weighing at least £100,000 a year, is thought to belong to Director General Mark Thompson.
Accident investigators have described Clarkson’s death as a “tragic accident, yet not without a significant degree of irony” – indicating that the weight alone was insufficient to kill the Top Gear presenter.
“What really did for old bog-brush head was the gilt edging,” said Health & Safety officer Pedro DeSilva.
“If only the BBC had followed EU directives on Health and Safety they wouldn’t have had such massive objects hanging perilously over a walkway 400 feet above the ground,” said DeSilva, who hails from Mexico. And there was yet more bad luck for Jezza.
“It took paramedics three hours to get here since they were all on strike – Jeremy was just twitching around, mumbling something about ‘bombshells’.
“Without such an unlikely array of coincidences, he’d still be walking around, spouting shit in order to drum up publicity for his latest DVD where he shoots an Austin Allegro out of a cannon, or something.”
Experts say that if the pension had belonged to a private-sector worker, Clarkson would likely have survived due the relative lack of size and gilt edging.
James May later described the news as representing “the purple pym!”.