He may be more used to kicking habits than wearing them, but British comedian Russell Brand has stunned fans by dumping fiancee Katy Perry and announcing that he is to become a monk.
Shares in Durex and hairspray manufacturers TIGI plummeted after the news broke and female fans gathered to mourn the retirement of one of the most prolific penises of the HIV era.
The 35-year-old funnyman – who has bedded a string of women, men, pets, a showerhead, a candle, a punctured watermelon, a dead turkey, countless socks and a welly full of jelly – will train at a Trappist monastery in Tuscany.
Brand swapped drugs for mead and prayer some time ago, but he is now set to devote his life to the only entity who claims to know more about everything than him, God.
“Now I’m a man of the cloth I shall no longer be inebriated with the exuberance of my own verbosity, but I shall take succour from His holiness,” he said with a wink, barely disguising his Carry On humour beneath his elaborate vocabulary.
Brand made his name in Hollywood – and demonstrated his acting range – with a stretching role as sex-mad English star Aldous Snow. The rocker shags everyone’s girlfriends in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
In his latest film, Get Him To The Greek, Brand showcases his range once again, playing sex-mad English star Aldous Snow.
The Essex-born joker is thought to have found God during a prolonged spell of staring at his own navel.
“After a while you stop looking at the heads bobbing up and down on little Russell and consider Mother Theresa’s quote that ‘God doesn’t look at how much we do, but with how much love we do it.’”
“At just such a moment I realised that there is something bigger than us, more important than even me,” he said, curving his arm in a flamboyant gesture of revelation.
The comedian has long battled to reinforce press attempts to stereotype him as a booze-guzzling womaniser.
He famously included tabloid kiss-and-tell reports in his one man show to demonstrate how difficult it is to be a millionaire celebrity coveted by lusty gold-diggers who will do anything to please you in bed.
“But that’s all behind me know, oops pardon,” he said, tragically.