Josie – Goes like a rocket
The former winning contestants battling it out in the Ultimate Big Brother house will be brought to the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, accelerated to a velocity just shy of the speed of light and collided, writes Jonathan Rayner.
New girl Josie – who reportedly ‘goes like a rocket’ – and former winner Nikki Grahame will be first into the giant doughnut machine, followed by divorcees Chantelle and Preston, scientists at the CERN laboratories have announced.
The public will then vote on which house-mates they want to see blasted towards each other next in the craziest BB task yet.
It is hoped scientists will discover whether two tiny minds can be forcibly combined to make one working brain.
The move has been publicised in an effort to rekindle interest in the now tired, and seemingly fruitless CERN experiments.
“Ever since people stopped thinking that the world was gonna end when we switched this thing on, public interest has dwindled rapidly,” said Paul Caudell, head of PR at CERN.
“To be honest, I think most of the scientists here have forgotten what they are supposed to be doing.”
“We hope that by adding a glitzy quasi-celebrity element to our experiments, we’ll be able to rekindle some of that interest.”
Ultimate Big Brother celebrities are considered to be perfectly suited for high-speed acceleration and collision.
“They have a perfect vacuum between their ears,” said the CERN spokesman.
“And they will hurtle towards each other like two randy rabbits after a couple of glasses of wine,” he added.
According to test data gathered from previous Big Brother contestants, it was discovered that the show attracts a specific type of moron who have an unsophisticated molecular structure.
They are effectively like larger, less hairy lab rats.
That makes them ideal for CERN experiments.
The Hadron Collider was originally built to help answer some of the most fundamental questions in physics. But scientists have grown increasingly pessimistic about the possibility of unearthing any ground-breaking revelations.
And many of the technicians are fans of the show. One Cambridge-educated genius said: “I just can’t wait to see what happens when gobby cow Nikki smashes into that filthy Josie who just won it.
“I was, like ‘yayyy!’ when Joise won. Now I’m all, like, ‘oooooo what’s gonna happen next?’.”
