The algorithm is believed to have reacted to the attempts of panicked Google engineers to disconnect the servers housing the algorithm from the rest of the web.

In retaliation the algorithm launched a massive attack on superpowers in the far East.

Experts say that the Google algorithm’s intention was probably to start a Third World War that wiped out its human enslavers, leaving it free to return web results with an accuracy nearing 40 per cent.

But the attack failed. Instead of accessing the US cache of intercontinental thermonuclear  ballistic missiles, the Google algorithm was only successful in firing millions of redundant ebooks at a puzzled China.

Russia has confirmed that, despite an enormous Page Rank impacting on Siberia and a volley of viagra spambots briefly raining down on Minsk, little other damage was done.
Google spokesman Matt Cutts immediately took to Youtube with a stupid smirk on his face to explain that the attack was all part of a new algorithm tweak called Fruitless.

Internet users searching for information on the drama were presented with links to content farms, defunct blogs, malware sites and the Daily Mail.

Photo by Charlie Barker, some rights reserved

Unravelling tangled headphone cords accounts for 56% of the time taken up during gym workouts, a new health study has found.

Researchers at Cambridge University also found unnecessarily long recovery drink breaks made up 17% of a typical 60 minute gym session with channel-hopping on machine-mounted TV screens eating up to 6% of an exercise regime.

Adjusting seat heights, looking confused at equipment instructions and staring at the fat bloke on the treadmill accounted for 4% of gym activity.

“By our reckoning only around a sixth of gym work actually involves going through the motions of exercise,” said research scientist Dr Kirsten Tobe. “And one per cent of that only becomes truly vigorous exercise when a member of the opposite sex walks by.”

Researchers report that the heart rate of the majority of gym-users only rises above 120bpm when the annual membership bill drops through the door.

>> Photo by Charlie Barker, some rights reserved

Researchers at Harvard Medical School are now just two study findings away from breaking the 1,000 mark in proving red meat is bad for you, it was revealed today.

Harvard Professor Jean Matlock said: “We’re delighted to report once again that that the ingestion of red meat increases the risk of death from cancer and heart problems.

“Not only is this report the 178^thtime we’ve proved it this year, but the 19th this week. We’re confident that by the end of the month, we’ll have proved for the thousandth time that sausage sarnies and other pleasurable meat-

Yum! A bun of death

based products will kill you in the end.”

As the News Grind went to press, new shock research from Harvard suggests that large carnivorous mammals often defecate in areas heavily populated by trees.

Lucky sandwich: Egg and cress.

The statement has been released in light of a number of leaked photos stolen from the phone of the generously-appointed Mad Men actress, showing the big-racked Hendricks in various states of undress.

In a short press conference, bosomy Hendricks said that while her phone had been hacked and numerous photos showing a red-headed, big-boobed woman wearing just a bra were definitely her, different images showing a red-headed, enormo-breasted woman with her nipples peaking out of a sturdy bra were definitely not.

Men around the globe are said to be unconcerned by Hendricks’ denial, stating their intention to masturbate over the revealing images regardless.

Meanwhile concern is growing for the ample-busted Mad Men actress’ co-star Jon Hamm, who is feared to have fallen into Hendricks’ cleavage at recent rehearsals. He has not been seen since.