Photo by garryknight, some rights reserved.

The Duchess of Cambridge has accepted an invitation from the England and Wales Cricket Board to become patron of the ECB and to open the batting for England.

Cricket chiefs see Kate Middleton as the ideal patron for the game because she is young, vibrant and a hell of a lot better against left arm spin than Kevin Pietersen.

An ECB spokesman said: “She’s a role model to millions and after the Pakistan batting debacle we could do with a change of emphasis. Why not send someone out to bat who’s at least pleasant to look at?

“Stuff it, let’s get her sister in the side too. I’d rather watch their backsides disappearing into the pavilion with duck than the procession of England rear ends we’re being subjected to now.”

Peeved: Fred Goodwin yesterday

RBS boss Fred Goodwin galloped into London last night atop his faithful steed to exact a terrible revenge on those who dared sully his name.

The 53-year-old bedecked in full armour bearing the RBS coat of arms broke down the doors of the Financial Services Authority and ran a lance through the chest of Ian Pearce, 34, a senior accounts manager with the FSA.

Witnesses said the Royal Bank of Scotland CEO was heard to cry “’Tis a blow for God, and all that be just and goodly” before proceeding to bludgeon reception staff with a mace.

Mr Goodwin is understood to be aggrieved at the FSA’s decision to strip him of his knighthood over his role in the collapse of the bank which prompted a taxpayer bailout.

A spokesman for RBS said: “Fred felt his honour and good name had been besmirched and vowed to exact a terrible revenge.

“It was particularly galling for Sir Fred as he had only just won the hand of a fair maiden in a royal joust in Birmingham the other week and has now been forced to cancel a two-week all inclusive Crusade he booked to Jerusalem through Thomas Cook.”

It’s the final day of the January transfer window and understandably, the gossip columns have exploded in a sticky orgy of gossip, speculation and bullshit.

Despite being otherwise engaged today, Harry Redknapp is widely expected to be busy in the transfer market today. Hugo Rodallega from Wigan and Mario Marin from Werder Bremen could come in, while Roman Pavlyuchenko and Vedran Corluka could both be on their way out of Tottenham Hotspur.

Presumably Sky Sports News have special permission to film Harry’s traditional car-window transfer update interview from the dock at Southwark Crown Court.

Spurs are also linked with 3 new mystery players; Rover74, Tyson24 and MrSnuggles00.

Meanwhile, up North, Sunderland are set to bring in Wayne Bridge from Manchester City. The move looks set to have knock on benefits for the local economy.

The stallholders at Jacky White’s indoor market in Sunderland are delighted at the news that Bridge’s girlfriend, Frankie from The Saturdays, could become their newest customer.

Frankie said: “I’m desperate for a new place to shop, and need new hoover bags and AA batteries, so Wayne’s move makes perfect sense.”

Finally, in news that the Daily Stir would love to say was made up, ex-Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler has been signed for Kolkata by former Sunderland boss Peter Reid for £337,000. Other players signed in the auction included Hernan Crespo, Jay-Jay Okocha, Fabio Cannavaro and Robert Pires.

The motivation behind Fowler’s move is uncl£ar, but according to Wikipedia, Fowler was a boyhood Kolkatta fan, and would spend hours trawling the newspapers for a mention of his favourite curry.

Heard a transfer rumour? Email the Daily Stir and tell us about it so we can add it to our list of shit-stirring gossip direct from the imagination of bored hacks.

photo by dullhunk, some rights reserved

The Happy Mondays are to reform after promoters finally persuaded the original line-up that they weren’t The Stone Roses.

Half the band have refused to reform as the Happy Mondays because they were convinced that they were the group’s Manchester rivals the Stone Roses, it was revealed today.

Lead singer Shaun Ryder told reporters today that the drug excesses of the 1990s had taken its toll on the mental faculties of the majority of the indie-dance act that split in 1994.

“Paul Davis and Gary Whelan refused to reform unless the John Squires was on lead guitar,” said Sean, “But he wasn’t even in our band. He was in The Stone Roses.

“Even my brother thought we were The Stone Roses. And Mark was so out of it, he was convinced he’d spent the majority of his career in The Inspiral Carpets!”

Ryder confirmed that dancer Mark ‘Bez’ Berry helped persuade the addled band members of their true origins. Bez was also easiest to convince reforming the band was a good thing.

“To be perfectly honest,” said Ryder, “he hadn’t even realised we’d split up.”

>> photo by dullhunk, some rights reserved

The details behind Liverpool’s proposal to swap goal-shy striker Andy Carroll for Manchester City’s work-shy Carlos Tevez were revealed today.

In a meeting between the clubs, which took place behind the bike sheds, between double maths and home economics, Kenny Dalglish put the deal to City boss Roberto Mancini.

Mancini was overheard saying : “A Tevez is worth a foil sticker at least, and anyway we don’t NEED Carroll, we need the right hand side of the Norwich team or the Newcastle badge.”

Dalglish is now stuck with 7 Carrolls, and 4 Jordan Hendersons, which he hastily swapped last year, in exchange for Javier Mascherano and the West Brom manager Roy Hodgson. He is considering moving into the marbles market.

Meanwhile, in real football news, Mark Hughes is lining up a bid to bring Michael Ballack to QPR.

The German midfielder is entitled to sign for the Queen’s Park club as he is 8th in line to the throne.

He is also entitled to eat swans and look down on David Cameron with haughty distain.

And finally, Ballack’s old club Chelsea are set to sign Nottingham Forest’s 18 year old striker Patrick Bamford – who has only played 12 minutes of first team football.

It is thought Bamford’s vast experience and knowledge will help Fernando Torres settle into the side. 

Heard a transfer rumour? Email the Daily Stir and tell us about it so we can add it to our list of shit-stirring gossip direct from the imagination of bored hacks.

A Fool and his Money are Soon Parted (Sky One, Saturday)

PICK OF THE WEEK
A Blast From T Past (ITV, Sunday)

Photo by batmoo, Some Rights Reserved.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates has advised the British Government to try resetting the economy in a bid to get it working again.

“Have you checked you’ve got the latest Windows 7 Service Pack installed?” he asked.

He went on to advise Chancellor George Osborne to reset the economy via the Start bar, which didn’t work.

Gates is on a whistle-stop tour of countries whose gross domestic product is worth less than the cash he has in his spending account.

“Mr Gates tried to show George how to bring up the Task Manager in a bid to close down parts of the economy that weren’t responding,” a Treasury insider told The News Grind.

“But it wasn’t working. The whole thing just froze and nothing the Chancellor tried to do seemed to get things working again.”

As a last resort the billionaire philanthropist showed Osborne how to force the economy to quit by pressing and holding the power button.

After his intervention, Gates hastily left the building mumbling “that should sort your problems out. Let me know if you need anymore help,” before switching off his mobile and going on a two-hour lunch break.

Minutes later the whole economy crashed again and could only be restarted in safe mode.

Kevin Davies, the owner of the biggest backside in football, is set to join Sunderland from Bolton on a loan deal until the end of the season.

Sunderland are looking to add some beef to their frontline and manager Martin O’Neill is keen on the man dubbed “The Porkster from South Yorkshire”.

A chilled out O’Neill said: “We need a target man and there is no bigger target than Kevin’s backside, man.”

In related news, Sunderland’s team coach is being fitted with a new suspension and reinforced seats.

John Rooney, brother of Wayne, has signed for Orlando City in Florida from the New York Red Bulls.

Florida is famous for its retired population and it is thought that John, 21, will also work as a scout for his brother.

Finally, Blackburn are close to signing defender Scott Sutter from Young Boys of Bern. Headline writers around the country are trembling with excitement at the thought of so many mildly amusing and offensive puns.

But here at the Daily Stir, we refuse to stoop that low.

Heard a transfer rumour? Email the Daily Stir and tell us about it so we can add it to our list of shit-stirring gossip direct from the imagination of bored hacks.

Chelsea are not willing to meet the £83m asking price for Porto striker Hulk, because every time he scores it will cost them thousands more.

The Brazilian has a unique celebration routine involving ripping off his clothes, tipping over cars and chewing bricks.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “£83m is a fraction of the total cost once you factor in that kind of destruction. If he tips just a couple of cars in the car park, you can imagine the cost to repair the damage will be incredible.”

No-one is yet sure if Fernando Torres shares the same celebration routine.

Meanwhile, Chelsea are ready to sign Belgian midfielder Kevin de Bruyne from Genk. The £8m purchase will represent a significant challenge in the category of “player with the biggest differential of coolness between first name and surname”.

The current holder is Nigel de Jong of Manchester City.

Finally, Liverpool coat-wearer Kenny Dalglish has sarcastically told Roberto Mancini that if Manchester City have any more players “like Craig Bellamy” then they will gladly take them off their hands.

Mancini appears to be having the last laugh, however, as Shaun Goater, Ali Benarbia and Danny Mills are all currently being packaged up, ready to be sent along the M62 by a giggling Mancini.

Heard a transfer rumour? Email the Daily Stir and tell us about it so we can add it to our list of shit-stirring gossip direct from the imagination of bored hacks.