Photo by N8tron, Some Rights Reserved.
Local man Mark Royston says he is struggling to maintain the pretence that he likes the names his friends keep giving to their new offspring, writes Hard Jackson.
Royston, 33, says he has been faced with a number of names he says are ‘utterly absurd’ in recent weeks – and does not believe he will be able to pretend to like the ‘mind-meltingly idiotic’ names handed out to new babies any more.
“This recent one, they’d called it Ethel,” said Royston, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead with a hankerchief and shaking his head for a long time.
“I just had to stand there with this glassy stare and fixed grin and trot out all the old platitudes,” confessed Royston.
“I honestly found it a physical difficulty not to just shout “Are you insane? Are you MENTAL?” at them again and again.
“I mean this poor kid. Ethel?! I mean Ethel. It’s the name of an Edwardian charlady!”
Clearly warming to his theme, Royston went on to name Ringo, Cecil, Barbara-Mae, Seaside, Marmalade, Fanny, Blair, Firedance, Elvis, Zakes, Winifred, Dalglish, Conker, Brick, Wizard, Moodie, Freda, Manfred, Edison, Eternity, Bold, Buffalo, Pigeon, Humphrey, Cilla, Sinn Fein, Zevon, Mowgli, Honeypie, Torres, Beef, Mildred, Chicory, Shatner, Turlough, Friday, Bulgaria, Jobs, Mazda, Jagger, Mungo, Fergus, Pope, Chiffon, Chamonix, Nettle, Owl, Bangor, Kenneth, Chimp, Cockney, Mallow, Cleerwater and Scarborough.
“How I long for a John or Claire or Dave,” said Royston, glumly.
“Time was you’d have a daft middle name, but I must have missed a memo.
“How the hell some kid can wander around the street with his mam and dad shouting ‘Jupiter’ at him I don’t know,” groaned Royston, with a wrenched sob.
Royston’s middle name is Vangelis.
