Catastrophe-friendly BP to recycle oily pelicans
BP boss Tony Hayward sparked international condemnation today when he attended a press conference sporting a dolphin skin overcoat and an umbrella fashioned from pelican bills.
In a move many city analysts believe was a deliberately provocative response to criticism from US President Barack Obama, the under-fire chief executive breezed into BP headquarters to launch a withering attack on the President’s green credentials.
“I’m doing my bit for the environment,” Hayward blasted. “What are you doing Mr Obama?”
Tugging on the sleeves of the patchwork dolphin trenchcoat, Hayward added: “This dolphin was an unfortunate victim of this oil spill, but he didn’t die in vain. I’ve recycled the poor wretch, but what, apart from belching out gallons of hot air, has Mr President done? I’ll tell you what, a big fat nothing.”
Haywood then unfurled an umbrella to the astonished press corps and, fingering the taught material, said: “Thirty-two pelican bills hand-stitched to produce something useful. And we‘re not stopping there.”
Haywood then outlined a series of what he termed “catastrophe-friendly” uses for the animal victims of the massive spill off the Gulf of Mexico.
While most, like the seal, pelican and bottlenose dolphin, were to be skinned to produce a variety of coats and hats, many of Haywood’s other suggestions drew gasps from the audience.
In particular, plans to fashion bike and skateboard helmets from the hollowed-out shells of dead sea turtles.
And a suggestion that oil-covered birds be used as night lanterns and flaming torches.
“Insert a two foot metal pole where the sun don’t shine and light the bird up,” Haywood said.
“We found the buggers are so soaked in oil they burn for hours. The kids love ‘em.”
Haywood’s tirade was defended by BP supporters who saw it as a “measured and appropriate” response to what has been seen as anti-British rhetoric from the White House and, in particular, the US President.
And in a thinly-veiled dig at Mr Obama’s demand to show him “some ass to kick” at BP, Heywood cut short the press conference with this statement.
“While some people look to kick ass,” he said. “We at BP wants to pull out an ass, donkey or whatever bloody horse we find in the slick and turn it into a dozen pair of furry boots for the Florida community.
“That, my friends, is a practical solution to an unfortunate problem.”
Prime Minister David Cameron was due to discuss the unfolding crisis with President Obama today, but refused to be drawn on the Haywood plan, though observers did note that the PM arrived at Number 10 wearing what appeared to be a cravat woven from the downy feathers of a baby Florida seagull.
