Buses, pints and football pitches axed by Euro meddlers

Euro meddlers in Brussels are to ban the double decker bus, the football pitch, and the pint of beer as traditional forms of measurement in the UK, writes Nigel Eels.

From now on objects such as tall buildings and sporting venues will only be allowed to be described in terms of “electric passenger trams”, “petanque courts” and “litre glasses of fizzy lager”.

The decision has been slammed by pressure groups, who claim it is yet another example of EU Ministers chipping away at British values.

“These are standard measurements that have been a part of British society for generations,” said Terry Whipsley of the Keep Our Measurements British group.

“Everybody knows that Nelson’s Column is the height of five double decker buses, the new Olympic village is the size of 156 football pitches, and that the O2 Arena can hold 36 million pints of beer.

“If these Euro meddlers get their way what happens then? Are we supposed to say that Big Ben is the equivalent of six electric passenger trams? Or you could fit 68 petanque courts into the new Wembley? It’s meaningless.”

Only last week, after four years of research, British scientists concluded that the amount of water in the Pacific Ocean is the equivalent of 56 billion pints of beer, and its size is that of 600 million football pitches.

If the new directive comes into force, their calculations will have to be torn up.

EU Minister Wim van der Gompers said the decision was taken to bring unity to measurements, and will benefit British trade and industry.

“At the moment there is much confusion,” he said. “Only last week I heard of a leading firm of British architects who lost a lucrative contract to build a shopping centre in Germany because their models were in football pitches and double decker buses rather than trams and litre glasses.

“Our proposals would eradicate such misunderstandings at a stroke.”

But opponents of the scheme remain defiant.

Mr Whipsley said: “At the end of the day what these Brussels bureaucrats seem to forget is that we won the war, and if it wasn’t for us they’d all be speaking German and goosestepping to work in Berlin.”