The UK launch of the iPad looks set to be overshadowed by leaked news of Apple’s ‘magical and supernatural’ new gizmo – the iApple.
The iApple follows in the great tradition of Apple innovation by reinventing something which already exists and isn’t needed, then charging a 10,000% mark up to a captive audience of onanistic Mac geeks.
“It’s deliciously fruitless” boasts Apple slaphead Steve Jobs in a draft of his secret announcement speech acquired by a tech journalist in exchange for $8,000, his right arm and his first born male child.
>> Win a copy of EA’s FIFA World Cup game on PS3, Xbox 360 or PSP
The device is an exact recreation of a Granny Smith apple, only it is made entirely of synthetic fibres.
The entry level model costs $299, the leaked notes reveal. With larger models which even taste like apples setting you back up to $449. The top of the range iApple boast a dual-core processor and reforms in your stools enabling it to be used again.
“The iCrap technology behind automatically regenerating products is staggering,” observed Andy McFee, editor of MacLoser magazine.
“I don’t think anyone will ever eat an ordinary apple again. Well, at least no-one working in the creative industries who earns in excess of £60,000 a year,” he added.
News of the leak will infuriate the Stalinist overlords who rule Apple from a dormant volcano at a secret location.
“Anyone who is found with a protoype iApple will be shot in the face until they are dead,” reads a statement on Apple’s official website.
“We may act all cool and friendly,” it goes on, warning, “but we will kill you if you mess with us. Seriously.”
It’s little wonder Apple are so protective of their new device. As Steve Jobs explains in his sickeningly celebratory speech notes: “It’s magical and supernatural. Think of a gypsy mixed with Diana Troy from Star Trek: The Next Generation who has just been knighted by Yoda and then multiply it by ten. That’s how magical this thing is.”
UK fans can expect to get their hands on the iApple in June 2026. Prices are rumoured to range from £1,299 to £6,128.50.
