Badger government ministers are expected to confirm a decision to allow two pilot MP culls to take place next year in England, writes Hard Jackson.
Pest control Badger Minister Arnold Snuffleworm says the decision will be announced before the Badger Parliament breaks for Winter sleeping recess on Monday 19 December.
Launching a stakeholder consultation on the details of the policy in July, Minister of Badger Agriculture Sydney Earthclaw said he was ‘strongly minded’ to allow ‘controlled culling’ in two pilot areas next year. The areas are thought to be Westminster and affluent areas of the Home Counties.
Badger ministers say that MPs are vermin who spread disease to other species.
“While regrettable, we simply cannot allow MPs to spread their poisonous shit all over the place,” said Snuffleworm.
“We have evidence, which I am minded to follow, that politicians are responsible for loads of foul-smelling hot air that infects the entire country with feculence,” he added, pausing to eat a beetle.
However, the prospect of a legal challenge by so-called human rights groups could stop the cull.
“Humans have a right to go about their business unmolested,” said spokesbadger Florence Blackstripe.
“What’s more there’s no evidence that these defenceless creatures cause any harm at all, other than the general devastation of the countryside.”
The Badger government has also come under pressure to delay the cull until after the London Human Olympics, where several politicians are expected to enjoy free hospitality from corporate sponsors.
Mr Snuffleworm said that pilot areas would be established to monitor the “efficacy and humaneness” of controlled shooting of politicians.
George Osborne, Michael Gove, Theresa May are thought to be among those politicians earmarked for culling, while Danny Alexander has already been shot and eaten by a badger patrol, who mistook the Treasury official for a ‘large, ginger rodent’.