Prime Minister David Cameron has moved quickly to quell fears Chancellor George Osborne is to employ a whip-wielding dominatrix to sort out the economic crisis.
Speaking at a hastily convened press conference outside number 10, Mr Cameron denied rumours the Chancellor was planning to employ his old pal and former escort agency boss Natalie Rowe.
He said: “I can categorically state that when George said he knows someone who can whip the economy into shape, he was referring to Sir Alan Sugar and not his acquaintance Ms Natalie Rowe.”
Mr Cameron was forced to field difficult questions from reporters amid accusations Mr Osborne’s friendship with the former vice madam went deeper than a mere ‘casual acquaintance.’
Asked if Mr Osborne had sex with Ms Rowe or any of her employees at the Black Beauties escort agency, Mr Cameron issued a defiant “no.”
“He may be screwing the economy, but he has assured me he has screwed no-one at Black Beauties,” he said.
When a photo of Mr Osborne was presented to the Prime Minister showing the Chancellor with his arm around Ms Rowe in front of what was reported to be a line of the Class A drug cocaine, he was equally bullish.
“While George may get up everyone else’s nose, no drugs ever went up his,” he said. “It’s usually stuck so high in the air no-one could reach anyway.”
Tory head office officials called in to investigate the allegations of impropriety said there was absolutely no case to answer.
Tory grandee Sir Charles Graveney said: “Mr Osborne is a former journalist, Oxford student and a politician who attended a party with a vice girl boss and dominatrix while cocaine was snorted. Of course he’s innocent of any wrong doing.
“He told me that, and so did his mate Andy Coulson … why would they lie?”
Labour leader Ed Miliband surprisingly backed the Tory claims.
“While he may have been an acquaintance of a dominatrix I don’t believe he indulges in typical dominatrix games,” he said.
“It’s the British public who are having to bend over and take it from the Chancellor not the other way round.”
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