Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has completed his reproductive cycle by laying a number of eggs under the skin of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, writes Hard Jackson.
Osborne is one a very small number of humans who reproduce by way of parthenogenesis – the unilateral production of an embryo without sexual contact, more often associated with certain reptiles or parasitic wasps.
As such, Osborne is known to deposit his eggs subcutaneously in other humans, where the eggs grow and subsequently hatch.
When hatched, Osborne’s young will have a ready-made food supply and will feast on Clegg’s brains.
The Deputy Prime Minister, who is also the leader of the Liberal Democrats, is said to be in good spirits following the procedure. He is expected to spend the next weeks putting his affairs in order and spending time with his family.
Clegg is believed to acceded to requests from the Conservatives to provide the host body to the Chancellor’s eggs during negotiations over the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition negotiations this Summer.
Although colleagues and family believed that the slow, conscious, pain-wracked death that is sure to result from the Osbornelings gradually consuming his brain, Clegg believed that the offer of a free vote on electoral reform was a price worth paying.
Paralysis, incontinence, and the liquefaction of intestines, spine and testes are believed to follow the initial hatching.
Eventually the Chancellor’s young will leave the decaying, eviscerated corpse of the Deputy PM and commence a difficult journey, dodging predators and other natural dangers across England to the Cotswolds, where the Chancellor’s family own a seven-bedroom cottage. There they will hibernate for five years before being packed off to Eton.
Osborne is currently in season and has seen little in Westminster since Summer recess. Danny Alexander is believed to be at an advanced stage of parasitisation, and Liberal Democrats are expecting his eyes to fall out of their sockets any day now.