The labour leadership campaign is set to be cancelled after a lack of interest – from the candidates.
A hustings event had been arranged last Saturday night at the Neil Kinnock Community Centre for flame haired Celts in Lambeth, but The News Grind can reveal that none of them turned-up.
Official spokesmen for both Ed and David Milliband confirmed they were unable to attend because of a previous family arrangement. However the News Grind can reveal that they were at a family BBQ just 250 yards round the corner, to celebrate ‘the nice weather we have been having.’
A source close to the brothers said: “The BBQ had been arranged since Friday afternoon when their mum said it was going to stay dry and she fancied eating outside.
“In their defence they both had important jobs to do. David was in charge of burgers and they don’t cook themselves.
“Ed was on crisps duty and was going to pop in at the hustings with his brother later, but they both had a couple of those small bottles of Stella and felt a bit tired.
“One thing led to another and before they knew it John Barrowman’s Tonight’s the Night was on the TV and the whole family were watching. It was quite an emotional episode so they didn’t feel it was appropriate to leave.”
Ed Balls was unable to attend because he has a regular Saturday night chess club challenge, while Diane Abbot was going on holiday the next day so had packing to do.
The News Grind is unable to remember the name of the final candidate, but he didn’t make it either.
The caretaker at the Neil Kinnock Community Centre for retired flame haired Celts told the News Grind: “I was a bit annoyed because I laid out around 20 chairs and a couple of trestle tables but no one bothered coming.
“Someone walked in but they were looking for the art class. They had a young girl modelling so I popped in to check it was cold enough for everyone.”
A spokesman for the Labour Party told The News Grind: “This coalition thing has made politics a bit weird. It was so much easier when we could just say the Tories were wrong and simply laugh at the Lib Dems.
“Being Labour leader is all a bit tough at the moment so you can’t blame people for not wanting to do it. We may cancel the election and then try and see if Cheryl Cole or David Cameron is interested. They both seem quite popular at the moment.”