The Labour leadership race was last night in turmoil after bookies’ favourite David Miliband was exposed as a Replicant, writes Nigel Eels.
Mr Miliband had been giving a speech to party activists in South Shields in which he thanked them for their continuing support in his campaign.
However during a routine question and session afterwards, he was asked what were the most significant changes he had seen during New Labour’s 13 years in power.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” Mr Miliband said. “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate.”
He then added: “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain…Time to die,” – before apparently shutting down.
Subsequent investigations revealed that the former Foreign Secretary was in fact a bioengineered humanoid created by the Tyrell Corporation, based in Yarm Lane, Stockton.
Although most Replicants have a lifespan of just four years, it’s believed Mr Miliband was a Nexus-6 model programmed to survive 10 years before self-destructing.
Frank Sumpter, secretary of the South Tyneside Labour Association, said: “We’re all very embarrassed and annoyed by this outcome. If we’d known David was a Replicant we would never have endorsed his nomination.”
But fellow activist Maureen Bell criticised the Association for failing to take basic precautions.
“Everybody knows that Replicants lack emotional response and empathy. Does that remind you of anybody? A simple Voight-Kampff test would have prevented any of this happening.”
Last night Blade Runners were hunting for Mr Miliband’s younger brother, Ed, a fellow frontrunner in the leadership race, who hasn’t been seen since Wednesday.
Mrs Bell said: “I just find it strange that nobody had ever heard of the Milibands before 2001 – which is when the Nexus-6 programme was launched. If Ed is indeed a later model then it could be 2012 at the very earliest before he shuts down.”