Photo by Leo Reynolds Some Rights Reserved
Everyone in the world was united in disgust last night as a woman shamelessly dumped some grass cuttings in a wheelie bin, writes Harry Hull.
The senseless act followed the woman’s decision to mow her lawn yesterday afternoon and was not captured on closed circuit television.
The grass was left in the bin for almost half an hour before being freed by a compassionate grass lover in the hamlet of Pumphampton, near Corby.
Local resident Joan Dimpletoss spotted the woman going to her shed for her lawn mower at around 2.30pm.
She said: “During the second ad break of Dickinson’s Real Deals I looked out the window and saw the woman from next door acting suspiciously near her shed.
“I wondered what the devil was going on and soon enough she’d switched on her Flymo and was mowing the lawn.
“But what happened next sickened me. I couldn’t believe my eyes as she went to the wheelie bin and callously dropped the grass cuttings inside.”
Mrs Dimpleton immediately called the local garden centre, who advised her to free the grass by tipping the bin up and sweeping the grass cuttings on to the pavement.
“The grass cuttings really looked pleased to have been released from the bin and were basically totally unscathed,” she recounted.
“It was at that point I decided to phone the local newspaper, who in turn notified the entire world as to the plight of this defenceless grass, in spite of the fact that the event is essentially wholly insignificant in the context of virtually anything to have ever happened, anywhere, since the beginning of time.”
Within minutes a Facebook group called “Kill the grass-hating bitch” had been formed, with almost 40 million signed up members, while a Guardian blog post called “Grass woman: pointless tabloid frenzy” attracted more than 75,000 comments in under half an hour.
Meanwhile Prime Minister David Cameron abandoned the bedside of his wife and new baby daughter to proclaim: “I urge all right-thinking Brits to forget about the floods in Pakistan and other such trivia and instead hold a candlelight vigil for these totally unharmed bits of grass.”
Police are currently protecting the woman from a mob of angry yobbos with misspelt signs and effigies of Alan Titchmarsh who have congregated outside her house shouting stuff in unidentified provincial accents.
The grass was last seen being blown on the wind in the general direction of Max Clifford’s central London offices.
> Photo by Leo Reynolds Some Rights Reserved
