Photo by Chapendra, some rights reserved
Civil rights campaigners claim the Government will introduce a DNA database by collecting saliva and fingerprints from National Census forms, writes Crispin Fisher.
Returned forms will be swabbed and the information collected will be kept on laptops and memory sticks which will be transported around the country by forgetful civil servants.
Dan Black of Rights UK said “We suspect the Government is planning to frame everyone who is a terrorist or, worse, a Guardian reader.”
It is understood that secret service labs will look out for unusually high levels of hummus in saliva. Those who eat the chickpea based food are ten times more likely to be a Muslim or a lefty liberal, according to government figures.
The survey will cost the UK taxpayer £500m, equivalent to half a day of the Olympics, but it’s worth every penny say officials.
“If we don’t do the census we risk ruining daytime TV schedules in the 22nd century,” said a Home Office spokesman.
“Without accurate census data Heir Hunters, Who Do You Think Are? reruns and every programme ever made by Channel Five will cease to exist,” he warned.
People worried about having their DNA and fingerprints secretly stored on a ‘Big Brother’ database are being advised to take steps to avoid sharing personal information.
Respondents with lisps and other speech impediments are at particular risk owing to the high levels of projectile saliva they produce.
Julie Miller from pressure group Data Watch said: “When I complete my form I will make sure that I am wearing boxing gloves, a hairnet and a full suit of armour.”
