In a rapid expansion of his soul-purchasing sideline, Jeremy Kyle has invested in the eternal, undying spirits of 1,000 new unfortunates, writes Hard Jackson.
In return for cheap television sets, smartphones and Sky Plus boxes, Kyle bought the souls following a tour around Britain’s council estates, a favoured hunting ground of those in search of easily-acquired lost souls.
The hectoring voyeurism misery show TV presenter will own the life spirits of the unemployed wretches for the rest of their days and after their deaths. On their deaths Kyle will torment his victims in an even more hellish version of his ITV1 programme – bellowing insults and demanding answers to personal questions in front of a baying studio audience – for ever and ever.
Small horns have begun to sprout from Kyle’s head in recent months and the TV presenter has taken to carrying a miniature pitchfork in public appearances, while a recent television performance showed a forked tongue flicking in and out of his mouth.
Police have refused to comment on reports of loud rumbling noises, agonised screams, spontaneous human combustion and a strong stench of sulphur emanting from Kyle’s Edwardian house in west London.
Kyle’s purchase of undying spirits – his latest in a series of splurges on underclass souls – follows similar moves by George Osborne, who has been stockpiling souls he intends to sacrifice to Sutekh, a goat-like spectral abomination the Chancellor of the Exchequer is believed to worship.
