For years we’ve followed every detail of her life like salivating dogs pawing at the cage of our own inadequacy, writes Nigel Eels.
But as the economy tanks it seems even Jordan is not recession-proof.
In a move sure to prove controversial, the country’s most famous celebrity is being mothballed as part of the government’s sweeping measures to get Britain working again.
Ministers hope that by removing every trace of the bling-encrusted icon from our TV screens, bookshelves, record shops and magazine stands, thousands of ugly wannabe no-hopers will have no choice but to get a job.
“The bankers are to blame for a lot of our economic woes, but so is Jordan,” said Chancellor George Osborne.
“She is directly responsible for a generation of fat, ill-educated women in tracksuits thinking they can make a living by become famous rather than getting off their arses and getting a job at the nearest check-out.
“We need to get Britain working again – but every time that silly bitch opens her surgically enhanced mouth to talk about ‘self-empowerment’, ‘living the dream’ and ‘if I can do it, so can you,’, a million deluded chavs take her word for it and the economy takes another body blow.
“We need to pull together as a nation, like in the War when even the educationally subnormal were forced to work on the land and those that refused were lined up against the armaments factory wall and shot.”
Mr Osborne confirmed that the measures have already come into effect. Jordan – alias Katie Price – has been placed under house arrest and from midnight tonight the penalty for any shopkeeper selling Jordan products will be death.
“If this is successful, we plan to take out X Factor and the National Lottery,” Mr Osborne said. “We have to eradicate anything that gives the workshy hope of an easy life.”
Mr Osborne added that he was also planning to reopen the coal mines – not to produce coal, “but so these people have somewhere to go.”
