Prince William has helped soothe his bride’s pre-wedding jitters by presiding over the execution of all of Kate Middleton’s previous boyfriends.
Invoking The Treasons Act of 1534, known in royal circles as Henry’s Law, the gallant Prince had all six of his bride-to-be’s suspected former-suitors beheaded for crimes against the state.
“The Prince had been aware for some time that Kate was worried about her past dalliances resurfacing in the media,” said BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell, “And so did what any loving king-in-waiting would do. He cut off their heads.”
Romantic William is understood to have led a blindfolded Kate by candlelight to Traitors’ Cloister before revealing the string of ex-boyfriends’ heads on spikes.
“Her squeals of delight could be heard throughout the Tower of London,” Witchell revealed. “It was very romantic.”
The last execution, sanctioned by the Royal Family, was carried out by the Queen Mother in 1956, when Her Majesty ordered the beheading of Grand National loser Devon Loch. The execution, of a horse, received little press attention at the time.
In more recent years, Prince Charles and Prince Andrew attempted to have Henry’s Law invoked several times in a bid to have the former and current lovers of Princess Di and the Duchess of York executed. The attempts, however, were rejected by the Chancery on grounds of practicality.
Sir Nigel Rathbone QC, speaking at the time, said: “Believe me, it would be easier and cheaper to track down and execute the men in the UK who HAVEN’T shagged these two royal strumpets.”