Photo by miguelb, some rights reserved
Kelvin MacKenzie has evolved into the next stage of his evolutionary cycle, according to his spokesman, and has now advanced to become a new form of highly poisonous slug, writes Hard Jackson.
MacKenzie has been in quarantine following an incident in which Kirsty Wark was poisoned by MacKenzie’s slime trail, causing her head to swell and explode. BBC Television Centre has been undergoing decontamination by a military HAZMAT team since Monday evening.
MacKenzie has been removed to the Porton Down military science establishment for further study, amid fears that he could spread highly poisonous spores all over the South of England.
The editor of BBC1′s Question Time programme immediately attempted to book MacKenzie on a show in Norwich, to be filmed this week, despite being told that everyone within a five-mile radius would likely perish in explosions of blood, vomit and other bodily viscera as a result of the exposure.
However, despite his transformation into a lethal tube of horrifyingly toxic slime flesh, media experts have welcomed the news as a positive development over his previous form.
“Kelvin may have caused a Newsnight presenter to explode like a gassy ballon full of liver and Dolmio, but all of his friends and colleagues are delighted for him,” confided a friend of the professional splutterer.
“Even though any form of contact with Kelvin is understood to be instantly lethal – and the mere sight of his new form is reputed to drive sane men to murderous havoc – this is a vast improvement on his previous form, which made people ill the world over – and is likely to continue to do so for hundreds of years,” commented the BBC Radio 1 disc jockey, who underwent a similar metamorphosis earlier this year.
“If the extent of his drastically awful presence on the face of this Earth is only harmful to the people in his immediate vicinity, then that’s an enormous improvement.
“We just hope something similar happens to Piers,” concluded the unnamed friend, who is the only known survivor of any encounter with the new MacKenzie form.
MacKenzie is likely to spend the rest of his life in a lead-lined casket buried hundreds of metres below the ground for his own safety and those of others.
Human and animal rights campaigners have welcomed the news, stating that the prospect of an giant, indestructable, poisonous slug on the loose in Britain is far preferable to MacKenzie’s previous form.
MacKenzie won notoriety throughout the 80s, 90s and 2000s for making millions of people nauseous, weepy and aggressive whenever he came into contact with them.
