Glasgow police investigating Pope-Man attacks. (pic by Potatojunkie, some rights reserved
The Vatican has been quick to deny rumours that The Pope is directly linked with vigilante activities, after a string of vicious attacks following the Papal visit to Glasgow, writes Robert Bathe.
A statement from Vatican spokesman Roberto Marconi has publicly distanced Pope Benedict XVI from reports of a mysterious masked Pope who has been seen terrorising Glasgow’s criminal underworld.
Marconi told reporters today that there was no truth to the reports that The Pope has ever been involved in any form of vigilantism, masked or otherwise, and went on to describe the very idea of the head of the Catholic Church running around in a mask as being “absolutely mental”.
Several eyewitnesses, however, have reported seeing some kind of Pope, dressed in full ceremonial regalia including long white cape and mitre, crouching menacingly on the corners of tall buildings and chasing down muggers.
The masked Pontiff has also been seen using specially modified vehicles and weaponry such as the Pope-wing, the Pope-erang, a metal throwing club in the shape of a P and a large armoured vehicle known as the Popemobile to strike terror into the hearts of Scotland’s mob bosses and hoodlums.
Earlier this month sources in the Vatican explained away the large amount of martial arts training the 78-year-old has undertaken recently as being simply for health reasons, so a man of The Pope’s advanced years can contend with the demanding schedule of a busy and active Pope. A sentiment Marconi was quick to reiterate.
“Yes His Holiness has become proficient in the ancient arts of kung fu, tai kwon do, Muay thai kickboxing and jeet kune do and has also achieved his black belt seventh dan in karate, but as a Christian he is a man of peace and would never use his perfectly honed body as a weapon to harm another person no matter how much he deserved to have God’s holy wrath pelted down upon his stupid face”.
The Pope’s comments earlier this week that he was coming to Britain to “wash the scum from the streets.” were also dismissed by Marconi as being “taken wholly out of context”.
(Photo by Potatojunkie, some rights reserved)
