The Patron Saint of England, Saint George, has been given a 21st century makeover in keeping with modern diversity standards.
St George has effectively been replaced by a multi-national, multi-faith, gender-neutral entity called Blart.
St George’s Day will now be renamed the Feast of Blart and the people of Britain will be encouraged to consume our new national symbol, a courgette.
“Blart represents us all while simultaneously representing none of us,” said a government spokesperson.
“Blart is a hero for Britain in the 21st century, a place where no-one has a clue what they can say without offending anyone anymore.
“He, she or it is probably a bit black and may even have a hint of ginger in its facial hair. Blart is a potent symbol for a nation that has nuclear weapons but only 350 deployable ground troops following recent cutbacks.”
Blart is a mixed race person with both male and female genitalia and is not attached to any faith so cannot be referred to as a saint.
Saint George was dropped when government ministers from the department of Diversity and Pedantry received complaints that the image of the saint had been appropriated by right-wing politicians.
“Our new figurehead will not be carrying a lance or a shield daubed with the red cross of Saint George.
“Blart is a pacifist vegan and as such will carry a courgette that will be held by his side rather than pointed aggressively toward any foe, real or imagined,” a ministry spokesperson said.
“This is a multi-national symbol encapsulating all of the groups and national identities that combine to make Britain great. Blart is in no way French though, obviously.”