Stupid fat people in hiding after Moat warning

Stupid fat people have gone into hiding after police revealed suspected gunman Raoul Moat was targeting “the wider public.”

Lard-arsed muppets in the North East of England are understood to have almost choked on their bacon sarnies after hearing the latest warning from Northumbria Police.

Morbidly obese Geordies with the IQs of terrapins were spotted barricading themselves into their homes before officers could explain exactly what they meant by the statement.

“Almost as soon as the words were out of our mouths we knew there’d be thick fatsos up and down the country getting the wrong end of the stick,” revealed Superintendent Terrence Kepple, of Northumbria Police.

“I saw one man with a builder’s crack like the Grand Canyon clearing out the cake aisle of Morrisons in readiness for a week-long vigil indoors to avoid being shot at by Moat.

“I told him what we meant by wider public was the general public at large, but the daft twat just shouted ‘Large public!’ and ran as fast his fat arse could carry him out of the shop.”

The warning issued by Northumbria Police may explain why Vanessa Feltz and Eamonn Holmes have been missing from our TV screens of late.