Women never masturbate unless they are being watched by a man, a leading scientist has confirmed.
Dr Anika Schmidt of the University of Budapest surveyed 800 women, assuring them that no men would read the findings.
“With no men to impress, they all confessed that they never masturbate. Although one did admit she could have recoiled quicker when her groin accidentally brushed against a whirring tumble dryer.”
Dr Schmidt’s findings were combined with years of research in which she has interviewed thousands more women and their partners.
“Do you sometimes find your girlfriend hurriedly minimising porn on her laptop while pretending to send emails? No.
“Have you ever come in early from a work’s night out and caught your missus doing a wank? No.
“It’s because they don’t.”
Dr Schmidt has also observed that teenage girls – unlike their male peers – never stand with their hands down their pants in parks. “See?” she said.
“When the tree falls in the wood and you are not there, does it make a sound? Who knows?
“With female masturbation we know. Unless an ogling man is present, or a webcam, it does not happen.”
Schmidt’s findings have been challenged by adult retailers, for whom dildo and vibrator sales are big business.
“We didn’t sell 252,000 big rubber cocks last year to blokes, did we?” said a spokesperson for Anne Summers.
But Schmidt is adamant sex toys are just for show or purely for use in front of men.
“These girls buy Rampant Rabbits to give excitement to their men.
“If they were truly shoving them in their front bottoms, why would they talk about them in the work canteen?
“Do females talk about curling down the large faeces in toilets? No. It is private.”
Schmidt’s report, What Women Definitely Don’t Want, is available now, published by University of Budapest Press.