The Large Hadron Collider – after a scientist whipped off its skirt
Scientists attempting to locate the Higgs-Boson particle using sound say it sounds like early 80s pop outfit Bucks Fizz, writes Hard Jackson.
“We should have guessed it really,” said Professor Joseph Rubeish at CERN, explaining: “First we had to speed it up, and then we had to slow it down. It was then that we picked up that unmistakeable Fizz sound.”
Named the ‘God’ particle, the Higgs-Boson is believed to hold the answer to the creation of the universe and has been sought by physicists throughout the 20th Century.
Scientists at the CERN institute outside Geneva have been smashing particles together at the speed of light in the Large Hadron Collider and tracking the resulting data, but a new move to record the sound made by colliding accelerated particles has led to an unlikely discovery.
“We were astonished to hear what sounded like Cheryl Baker singing when we listened to the atom smasher,” said Professor Rubeish.
“But it was as if she were standing in a phone box a long, long way away – and weeping ever so slightly. Immediately I though back to that bit in Making Your Mind Up when her skirt came off and you could see her knickers.”
And other physicists confirmed that the Higgs-Boson sounded like Bucks Fizz’s early-80s hit, The Land of Make Believe.
Dr Theodore Kerensky, who oversaw the construction of the Low Energy Antiproton Ring in 1982, was a loss when asked to explain why the sound of the universe was a cod-new wave hit from a Eurovision band.
“If you had asked me what the universe sounded like,” said Kerensky, “I would have guessed A Flock of Seagulls or Depeche Mode.”
The news from CERN is thought to be the second time that particle acceleration has been connected to chart pop.
Physicist Professor Brian Cox is believed to have detected the melody to the D:REAM hit Things Can Only Get Better through a pipe in the Large Electron–Positron Collider while looking for Strange Matter in 1994.
Cheryl Baker was unavailable for comment.
