Microsoft’s virtual teenager Milo won’t get out of bed

Microsoft have been forced to scrap their virtual human project after character Milo sprouted hairs ‘near his willy’ and turned into a beer-swilling teen terror.

Milo is now a tattooed chav and an embarrassment to Bill Gates’ multibillion dollar empire.

He is even refusing to get out of bed, hitting out at demands that he demonstrates Xbox 360′s new Kinect motion control as “so unfair”.

The character – first showcased at games industry piss up E3 in Los Angeles last year – started life as an affable kid who responded to user commands and expressions.

But trouble started at development studio Lionhead when Milo began to grunt and mutter under his breath when addressed by his human handlers.

“At first we thought there was a programming error,” said studio producer Will Davison.

“But soon we realised things were going wrong after Milo started urinating in the virtual lake. We noticed he’d sprouted some hairs near his willy which we hadn’t coded.

“Then he tried to lose his virginity to a virtual cat. It was horrible to watch.”

And things went from bad to worse as Milo gained access to alcohol and drugs after spending time with older game characters.

“He was on the drink with Sam Fisher all the time. Then Super Mario yob Bowser introduced him to the Mushroom Kingdom, shall we say. It was every parents’ worst nightmare,” added Davison.

Bowser – Mushroom Kingdom visitor

The Milo project is the brainchild of revolutionary British game designer Peter Molyneux.

Molyneux made his name by creating god game Populous in 1989, and he has been making ludicrously bold claims about pointless gameplay advances ever since.

“When I created Fable I changed the entertainment industry forever. The Movies was not as shit as people say either.

“With Milo I had finally begun to realise my dream of changing the entertainment industry forever. Again.”

Molyneux said he is devastated that Microsoft have axed Milo: “It’s a crazy decision. Not Football Manager on a console crazy, but pretty mental.

“Milo is me. He is us. He is the world. He is he. He reflects us in us back to ourselves through us. I think. Y’know?”

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