Today’s football gossip featuring England, Newcastle and Stoke City
The FA have insisted that the next manager of the England team will be an Englishman, opening the door for literally “a few” applicants.
Mick McCarthy, Alan Curbishley and Steve Bruce have all ruled themselves out of the job thanks to their record in management.
So the two leading contenders for the job are now Stephen Fry’s tailor and the man who wrote the theme to Midsomer Murders.
A spokesman for the FA said: “Englishmen with managerial experience simply do not have the necessary qualities.
“We are about to take delivery of a long-handled barrel scraper and will be testing it out very soon.”
Meanwhile, Newcastle City Council are dealing with a wave of protests following the arrest of a man for painting the words “St James’ Park” on the wall of the Sports Direct Arena.
A campaign appears to be under way to persuade the council to change the name of Haymarket metro station to “Gav woz ‘ere”.
A source told the Daily Stir: “It is entirely inappropriate to rename the Metro station, but we’ve agreed to call the underpass near Central Station the ’Casey is a slut’ tunnel”.
Finally, Stoke City are preparing a complaint to UEFA after being dragged into a football match against Valencia on Thursday night.
A Stoke source said: “The ball spent so much time on the floor and they did this tappy-tappy thing which they called ‘passing’ which I think is Spanish for ‘fannying around’.
“We are insistent that this type of behaviour will never again be seen at The Britannia.”
Heard a transfer rumour? Email the Daily Stir and tell us about it so we can add it to our list of shit-stirring gossip direct from the imagination of bored hacks.
