Homosexuals around the world are being urged to think of FIFA President Sepp Blatter to avoid ejaculation during the 2022 Qatar World Cup.
And football’s world governing body will issue a cut-out-and-keep Sepp Blatter mask to aid gays who have trouble picturing him.
Technically it’s ok for men to hide their sausage in the Gruffalo’s cave under Qatari law, but the Arab state strictly forbids climaxing.
“We recommend that gay beings picture our Overlord Sepp Blatter’s sun-frazzled face just before the vital moment,” said a FIFA spokesman.
“This will prevent them from committing an offence in all but a few cases when it’s just too late.”
Qatar was a shock choice to host the World Cup. As well as it’s ban on ejaculation, the country has draconian rules on the wearing of mankinis and consuming alcopops.
Barry Sanderson, a spokesman for the England Gay Supporters league said: “This is going to be the worst party ever.
“I for one intend to keep on picturing John Barrowman’s head on Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1987′s body when I’m ready to pop.”
FIFA are set to issue full advice to gay travellers wishing to make the trip to Qatar in good time for the tournament.
One insider told us: “Our website will be full of practical tips – which hotels have hairdryers in the room, how to roll your clothes to avoid creasing…
“And there’s loads of stuff in there on how to imagine Overlord Blatter for maximum effect, including tips on picturing him licking his lips and wearing a banana hammock thong.”