Fabio Capello’s chances of becoming one of the country’s worst ever managers suffered a massive blow last night when God forced him to play England’s most potent striker, Peter Crouch.
The Lord God Almighty felt compelled to act after watching the Italian coach choose the hopelessly out of form Wayne Rooney to partner goal-shy Sunderland striker Darren Bent up front for tonight’s match against Montenegro.
The Supreme Being took one look at Bent, one goal in four years, and tweaked his groin.
“It was the least I could do,” boomed God. “The England fans have suffered enough.”
Capello’s qualification cock up plans were thrown into disarray after the unexpected act of God. With Bolton striker Kevin Davies, 33, needing an A to Z to find Wembley after a decade in the international wilderness, Capello admitted his hand had been forced.
“What’s a guy to do?” he told The News Grind. “I line up a strike force of has-beens and no hopers and then injury forces me to play a freescoring forward who’s netted 21 times in 40 games for England. I tell you, I can‘t do wrong for doing right! Someone up there doesn’t like me.”
God however was unrepentant. “I like Crouchy,” he said. “Check out his robot dance. He’s like me: moves in mysterious ways. But seriously, Kevin Davies! Give me a break.”
With the clock ticking to kick off, the former Real Madrid coach was determined to defy God and fashion a defeat of Steve McClaren-like proportions from the jaws of victory.
“How long until kick off?” demanded Capello. “There might still be time. Here, give me Heskey’s number, I’ll give him one last try.”