A footballer looks set to move to a Premier League club according to reports, we can exclusively repeat.
Several players are said to have issued come-and-get-me pleas, unaware of how unbelievably gay that sounds.
Already there are rumours that a number of raids are being planned, warchests are being opened and there is bound to be some wheeler-dealing.
After returning from the World Cup in South Africa – where they patronised Nelson Mandela, Roger Milla and Idi Amin live on TV – topflight managers are looking to shore up defences and add to their options before the season kicks off. Probably.
A whopping £487bn was spent by Premier League sides last summer as they sought to win the elusive European Quidditch Supercup.
But the credit crunch and recent recession means clubs are having to cut their cloth accordingly this summer. Many have axed high-earning ground staff and programme sellers to hang on to star players.
One player who we may as well speculate is on the move is Liverpool’s David N’Gog. He’s crap, so that would make sense, we suppose.
Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp says he is unlikely to make another signing before the North London side’s first game.
“The rumour mill has gone into overdrive like it does every summer, mainly because sports hacks write what I tell them to,” he said.
When asked about rumours we had just made up of a potential double swoop for Lionel Messi and Tom Finney, Redknapp replied: “Did I tell you that last night? Do you want me to say that? To be honest I’d rather have Finney.
“Unless I can get the Messi lad on a ‘free’,” he winked.
The lack of transfer activity – and signing on fees – in the close season has even seen some players think about giving up the sport.
Michael Owen, 30, now with his 14th club, admitted: “I’m stuck on £100,000 a week and I’m fucked, to be honest. I might just pack it in, or join Take That or something.
“I can’t even challenge Alan Shearer and Alan Hansen to a wager over a game of golf cos they’re creaming off tonnes more than me by talking bollocks for the BBC.
“Don’t tell the Mail or Express I said that, though.”
