Short fine tentacle: A Hawking alien
Despite clear warnings not to contact aliens hovering on the fringes of our galaxy, the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) has issued a “come and join us” plea to extra terrestrials ahead of the Twenty20 World Cup finals.
A coded signal was beamed into space from the rooftops of Lord’s Cricket Ground last night urging alien life forms to attend a trial a week on Sunday.
The move come just days after celebrated Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking revealed aliens almost certainly exist on other planets, but warned that it would be “too risky” to make contact as they would be “looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”
But the ECB’s chairman of selectors Geoff Miller defied the threat after seeing detailed artist impressions of the aliens which he believes could solve his side’s current batting and bowling shortcomings.
“We have real concerns over the form of some of our players going into the Twenty20 World Cup,” Miller revealed last night, “and some of these extra terrestrials look like the ideal cover we’ve been looking for.
“I particularly like the big Hoover faced biped with the long tail, he looks like a formidible batter and slip fielder. While the strengths of these creatures and their preferred positions in the batting order are uncertain at the moment, I believe there’s a lot of potential there.”
The inconsistent form of Ravi Bopara (batting) and Graeme Onions (bowling) is being cited as the reason for the urgency from ECB in trying to secure the services of species from another planet.
Whether the intergalactic creatures will recieve the Lord’s transmission and get back to earth in time for a trial next Sunday is still uncertain, but the loose eligibility criteria required to play for England will ensure registration to play for the national side a mere formality.
Cricket fan Carl Timms, 36, from Essex, who has followed England across the globe with the famous Barmy Army, expressed no surprise at the ECB’s controversial move.
“They could come from Mars, Jupiter or Timbuktu, it really doesn’t matter, the ECB will sign them up for England if they’re half-way decent.
“How many of the England team are were actually born here anyway? We’ve got Aussies and South Africans so why not little green men from Alpha Centauri? All they have to prove is they flew one of their UFOs over Godalming in the last 10 years and they’re in.”
Should aliens break into the Test Match arena, experts believe the rules and naming conventions of the game may have to be reassessed.
Scyld Berry, editor of cricket ‘bible’ The Wisden Almanac, believes fielding positions such as Third Man and modes of dismissal like Leg Before Wicket (LBW) will require changes to make the game more inclusive for our cricketers from outer space.
“Third Man must surely become Third Alien if there’s a Martian patrolling the boundary rope,” he said. ” And instead of LBW what about TBW … Tentacle Before Wicket.”
Stephen Hawking was unavailable for comment today, but a spokesman for the Discovery Channel which is to air Stephen Hawking’s Universe featuring the aliens had this to say.
“I dunno, maybe Stephen has over-egged the pudding a bit with this one. It’s one thing to say there might be some aliens out there, but quite another to talk of space predators in monster ships threatening to rape Earth.
“But then I’m no Astrophysicist. I guess we just have to bow down to the superior intelligence of Mr Hawkings and hope whatever aliens we find can give the England side the fresh impetus they require to clinch the Twenty20 World Cup and perhaps retain the Ashes next summer.”
Stephen Hawkin’s Universe begins on the Discovery Channel on Sunday, May 9 at 9pm, total destruction of the planet from alien forces permitting.
