UK economy: ‘Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?’ asks Gates
Microsoft founder Bill Gates has advised the British Government to try resetting the economy in a bid to get it working again. “Have you checked you’ve got the latest Windows 7 Service Pack…
Jordan axed as recession bites
For years we’ve followed every detail of her life like salivating dogs pawing at the cage of our own inadequacy, writes Nigel Eels. But as the economy tanks it seems even Jordan is…
Osborne refuses to stop pouring petrol on flaming trousers
Chancellor George Osborne has one again refused to stop pouring petrol on his trousers, which have been aflame for some months, writes Hard Jackson. Amid fears that the Chancellor’s trousers will soon be…
Britain braced for return to 1980s deprivation, music
Britain is on the brink of a return to 1980s levels of joblessness and horrific music, analysts have warned. The latest eurozone economic crisis means the UK and Europe are perilously close to…
Sovereign debt crisis: Cameron faced ‘biggest decision of his life’
David Cameron and George Osborne faced tough decisions today upon waking to learn that the eurozone sovereign debt crisis was threatening to plunge the world economy into a great depression – potentially wiping…
George Osborne to become first serving MP with plastic heart
Chancellor George Osborne has revealed that he will have a plastic heart inserted into the empty cavity in the centre of his chest. Osborne followed in the footsteps of a string of leading…
Irish scientists convert Guinness into petrol
Boffins at Dublin University have developed a revolutionary technique that converts Guinness into petrol, writes Crispin Fisher. UK Chancellor George Osborne – seen this week pissing in the wind – welcomed the news…
We must strike now while forests are weak, say Tories
Forests must be destroyed for the good of the country, senior Conservatives have warned as they prepare to let other Conservatives buy up woodlands and forests; decimate flora and fauna and dodge inheritance…
George Osborne lays eggs in Nick Clegg
Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has completed his reproductive cycle by laying a number of eggs under the skin of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, writes Hard Jackson. Osborne is one a…
Chancellor unveils austerity weather
In a sweeping raft of emergency measures that will affect every aspect of British life, Chancellor George Osborne has unveiled drastic cuts to weather over the life of the current parliament, writes Hard…
