Health researchers successfully extract pleasure from eating
Health experts have found conclusive evidence that a diet heavy in red meat such as bacon sandwiches with extra crispy fat is bad for you, for the 178th time this year. Researchers at…
Queen declares Snuggie England’s official national costume
The fleece blanket with sleeves worn by millions of lard-arses mindlessly channel-hopping from their stinking sofas is to be honoured as England’s official national costume. The controversial move, rubber-stamped by the Government’s Cultural…
Ex-Minister’s shock revelation: ‘I really got on with Gordon Brown’
A former cabinet minister has rocked Westminster by revealing he enjoyed Gordon Brown’s company and had a good working relationship with the former Prime Minister. The ex-minister, who does not wish to be…
Census saliva being used to create secret DNA database
Civil rights campaigners claim the Government will introduce a DNA database by collecting saliva and fingerprints from National Census forms, writes Crispin Fisher. Returned forms will be swabbed and the information collected will…
Cigarettes to be sold in plain 300lb concrete blocks to curb smoking
A packet of 20 cigarettes is to be sold encased in 300 pounds of industrial concrete as part of a package of measures to discourage smoking. Health Secretary Andrew Lansley said “glitzy designs…
Andy Coulson denies all knowledge of resignation
Government spin doctor Andy Coulson has hit out at claims that he resigned. The former News of the World editor said he has no knowledge of resigning and has never seen anyone doing…
God backs Government cuts with “low budget” apocalypse
A partial solar eclipse, a minor earthquake in Ripon and a few dead birds in America, saw God back David Cameron’s call for moderation with an apocalypse-lite. “A full-scale apocalypse, with all the…
Police deploy soap and water cannons to control student protests
Students reacted with fury last night as the Metropolitan Police used high-powered soap and water cannons to disperse university tuition fee protesters. Scotland Yard used vats of Imperial Leather foam suds, shampoo and…
Wombles to wage war over welfare reforms
The furry litter pickers of Wimbledon Common have vowed to fight Government welfare reforms which they believe could put them out of work, writes Crispin Fisher. The Wombles are alarmed by plans outlined…
Nuclear sub smash forces MoD to review eBay shopping policy
High-ranking officials at the Ministry of Defence today admitted recent spending cuts have forced civil servants to start using internet auction site eBay to buy equipment for the armed forces, writes Crispin Fisher….
