Local man pretends to like friends’ baby names
Local man Mark Royston says he is struggling to maintain the pretence that he likes the names his friends keep giving to their new offspring, writes Hard Jackson. Royston, 33, says he has…
Prince Philip applauded for abusing council worker
Prince Philip won warm applause from an audience of well-wishers after racially abusing a street cleaner on his way to church this morning, writes Hard Jackson. The Prince, 90, underwent heart surgery over…
Nick Clegg listening to Who You Are on repeat
Concern is growing for the wellbeing of Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, following several days of behaviour described by colleagues as ‘worrying’, writes Hard Jackson. Clegg has not been seen for some days…
Badgers vote to cull MPs
Badger government ministers are expected to confirm a decision to allow two pilot MP culls to take place next year in England, writes Hard Jackson. Pest control Badger Minister Arnold Snuffleworm says the…
Local man working from coffee shop, hating every second of it
Local man Greg MacDonald described his experience of working from local coffee shop Hoopla! today as ‘utterly miserable’, writes Hard Jackson. Quantity surveyor MacDonald frequently works in a small spare bedroom at home,…
Jeremy Clarkson crushed to death by massive gilt-edged pension
Jeremy Clarkson has been crushed to death by a falling pension, just hours after his controversial BBC One Show appearance, writes Hard Jackson. The car-driving autocue-reader was leaving BBC Television Centre when an…
Breaking: Local woman staying in for Bonfire Night
Local woman Kacey MacIntyre has revealed her plans to spend Bonfire Night at home with her new boyfriend Kevin, writes Hard Jackson. The news will come as little surprise to Facebook and Twitter…
CEO sees enormous growth opportunities, yawning abyss of despair
Tech start-up Astonish! Microsystems’ David Legand bullishly predicted ‘enormous growth opportunities’ for his California SME today, writes Hard Jackson. Legand sees revenues at A!M increasing year-on-year and brand equity expanding exponentially – but…
Osborne refuses to stop pouring petrol on flaming trousers
Chancellor George Osborne has one again refused to stop pouring petrol on his trousers, which have been aflame for some months, writes Hard Jackson. Amid fears that the Chancellor’s trousers will soon be…
Local man honoured for pointing out vague inaccuracy in online article
A local man has received the highest honour in the land for flagging up a moot inaccuracy in an online report, writes Hard Jackson. Ian Viscount, 44, will be made a Knight…
