Young people much worse than we were, say old people
Urine-soaked old people have roundly condemned the actions of young people, claiming the current generation ‘don’t know they’re born’. They say easier ‘O-levels’, Facebook and hoodies have turned young people into useless yobs….
Dwarf claims top shelf porn mags infringe human rights
A dwarf is suing his local newsagent for a breach of human rights because he can’t reach pornographic magazines placed on the top shelf, writes Crispin Fisher. Part-time actor Fred Jarvis, 38, of…
Local man rues guilt-inspired porn purge
A local man ‘deeply regrets’ deleting a cherished collection of pornography, which included some rare early Bree Olsen performances, from his PC. Keith Houston, 33, spent months building up a 1.2Gb stash of…
Age ruling victory for Babestation slut, 85
An incontinent adult entertainment professional is in line for a six-figure payout after being sacked for being too old. Phone sex veteran Doris Spencer was warned to be ‘careful about her knocker wrinkles’…
Petrol pump numbers to be replaced by photos of naked young women
Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s is to drop fuel pump numbers and replace them with pictures of naked porn stars baring their breasts to help drivers remember where they filled up their car. “Using numbers…
Sperm bank asks local man to stop donating
A sperm bank has implored its most prolific contributor to stop making ‘deposits’. Strapping Ben Burley, 32, has become such an enthusiastic regular at the Merseyside Donation Trust the institution has been forced…
Female masturbation is a myth
Women never masturbate unless they are being watched by a man, a leading scientist has confirmed. Dr Anika Schmidt of the University of Budapest surveyed 800 women, assuring them that no men would…
Local man discovers Babestation and Sexcetera when wife is out at work’s party
Born-again local man Dave Smith has vowed to turn his back on doing the dishes and housework when his wife is out after discovering free soft porn. Dave, 36, from Milton Keynes, says…
Porn trailblazer dies aged 108
Britain’s oldest porn star has died at the age of 108, writes Nigel Eels. Albert ‘How’s Yer Father’ Buckles is widely credited with dragging the moribund pre-WW1 adult entertainment industry into to a…
Apple launches new iMuscleMouse ahead of iPad 2
Apple today launched its much-heralded iMuscleMouse, the revolutionary bodybuilding mouse for computer users. Weighing in at almost a two stone, the iMuscleMouse is a mammoth ten times as big as a standard computer…
