Britain gearing up for night of awkward love-making
Couples across the UK will slope to bed for a stop-start love-making session which will probably end in one party saying ‘let’s not bother’ this Valentine’s Day. Following the traditional exchange of cards bought…
Dwarf claims top shelf porn mags infringe human rights
A dwarf is suing his local newsagent for a breach of human rights because he can’t reach pornographic magazines placed on the top shelf, writes Crispin Fisher. Part-time actor Fred Jarvis, 38, of…
Petrol pump numbers to be replaced by photos of naked young women
Supermarket chain Sainsbury’s is to drop fuel pump numbers and replace them with pictures of naked porn stars baring their breasts to help drivers remember where they filled up their car. “Using numbers…
Gay campaigners demand right to hate Louie Spence too
A campaign group is launching a legal challenge in the European Court of Human Rights to extend the rights of gays to be homophobic. Equal Love is also arguing that heterosexual couples should…
Mick Hucknall apologises to all the girls he didn’t manage to bed
Simply Red frontman Mick Hucknall has said ‘sorry’ to all the women in Britain he will never sleep with after calling time on his career between the sheets, writes Crispin Fisher. The Manchester-born…
Twitter joke trial: Man guilty of threat to blow up sex doll
A man convicted of menacing behaviour for threatening to blow up an anatomically correct inflatable woman in a Twitter joke has lost his appeal. Red-faced Adam Chandler, a 28-year-old accountant, appealed against a…
Drug abuse rockets as UK dads cash in on Project Prevention sterilisation deal
Drug dealers were reporting a huge rise in sales last night after being inundated by middle class dads trying to cash in on a US charity’s money for sterilisation programme. The illegal sale…
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow to go all the way
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow are set to cement their new-found friendship by ‘BUMMING’ live on the internet, writes Johnny UPPERCASE. The Take That pair famously fell out when Williams left the band…
EXCLUSIVE: Gollum hotel sex romp tape leaked
Randy creature Gollum has been caught in the act of bedding a glamour model. The Lord Of The Rings monster, aged 483, enjoyed a lusty romp with Nikki Jakki, 22, from Romford, Essex….
Marriage guidance councillor honoured for saving community from sex-starved divorcees
Relate marriage guidance councillor Edwin Cruickshanks was last night hailed a hero by community leaders after saving thousands of singletons from the unwanted sexual advances of desperate divorcees. By rescuing 236 marriages during…
