Facebook to relaunch as quarterly magazine
Social media giant Facebook will stay ahead of the curve by ditching its digital offering to relaunch as a printed magazine. The plan is to convert the majority of the service’s estimated 700m…
Cameron: ‘Rioters need a good, hard seeing to’
Prime Minister David Cameron has said rioting Britons simply need to be ‘bent over and given a good, hard seeing to.’ He has promised to ‘sort out’ 120,000 problem families in the UK…
Stephen Fry renames The Dam Busters, The Darn Ladybumpers
Stephen Fry’s updated version of The Dam Busters is to be called The Darn Ladybumpers so as not to offend the under-eights. “There was a feeling that the word Dam was too near…
Twitter super injunction sensation protects identity with super injunction
The Twitter user behind an account which claims to expose celebrities who have taken out super injunctions has filed an injunction to prevent journalists from naming them. The tweeter is keen to protect…
Charlie Sheen’s ‘winning’ catchphrase appropriated by losers
Charlie Sheen’s ‘Winning’ catchphrase is being widely misused by losers all over the world, The News Grind’s Hard Jackson can reveal. Despite being at the eye of a colossal nervous breakdown, Sheen is…
Bernard Matthews in Turkey Twizzler funeral shock
Deceased Norfolk turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews is to be shredded, reconstituted and sprinkled in breadcrumbs before cremation, it was revealed today. “It’s how he would have wanted to go,” said admirer Lord Alan…
I’m A Celebrity star missing, presumed eaten
The starvation diet endured by the I’m A Celebrity contestants is believed to have claimed its first victim … Geordie presenter Declan Donnelly. The star of the hit TV show was reported missing…
Twitter joke trial: Man guilty of threat to blow up sex doll
A man convicted of menacing behaviour for threatening to blow up an anatomically correct inflatable woman in a Twitter joke has lost his appeal. Red-faced Adam Chandler, a 28-year-old accountant, appealed against a…
Apple chief Steve Jobs overjoyed with crap iPhone application
Apple today unveiled a new iPhone application that lets the world know when you’re having a shit, writes Crispin Fisher. The innovative iPoo iPhone app sends texts to all your contacts and automatic…
